Very scary vampires
by warmmayonnaise
Summary: a journey of self-actualization


It was a wednesday when Headmaster Cross finally got tired of taking care of Yuki's retarded vegetable ass and dumped her on Kaname so he could spend his night shaving his pubic hair. He had been trying to get this done for a week, but Yuki kept coming into the bathroom and wouldn't stop rubbing her grubby little vegetable hands all over his glorius crotch. Pube-shaving was a sacred vampire hunter art, and headmaster would no longer tolerate Yuki's insolence.

"You're such a disobedient child," Kaname said, parking his car in the Denny's parking lot. "It's rude to distract your dad from shaving his pubes."

Yuki ignored him, staring off into space, her giant eyes resembling gaping portals to hell. it made Kaname a little hard. After a deep breath he asked, "Yuki are you listening to me?"

Not taking her eyes away from the abyss, Yuki screeched, with no emotion in her voice whatsoever, "SCARY VAMPIRES". Her voice reminded one of hot air deflating from a balloon, or a tire, or perhaps an inner tube. Kaname could feel his loins set ablaze. Covering his erection with one hand and dragging Yuki into the fine dining establishment with the other, he hoped nobody here would recognize him as the filthy degenerate he was deep down.

Upon entering the restaurant, he quickly relinquished that hope when he came face to face with renowned vampire hunter, and corporate owner of Denny's, Toga Yagari. Every pureblood had heard of him; he could smell incest from a mile away. Kaname knew he was fucked if Yagari noticed his boner. Attempting to sneak by him and hide in a booth, Kaname got on all fours and began crawling beneath the bar, but noticed that Yuki was not moving. She was undoubtedly too busy scratching her crotch again to be of any use to anyone. In a panic, Kaname turned around and tried to reach for her ankle, but had his hand crushed by Yagari's foot.

"What are you heathens doing on my floor?" he said in the raspiest chain-smoking grandma voice imaginable. Fumes drifted out of his mouth as he spoke, like a human furnace. "Oh it's you" he looked down at Kaname with mild disgust. "I thought I banned you for being a filthy degenerate. Have you spoken to the lord today?" Yagari reached in his cowboy holster for his gun. "Incestuous little children will never see the gates of Heaven".

Speechless, Kaname continued to lay on the floor under the bar, and Yagari quickly lost interest in him once he noticed Yuki, who still had her hand in her pants.

"Hello small heathen child," Yagari said to Yuki, crouching down to get at eye level. "I pray that you all become born-again christians".

"I'm scared." Yuki said, causing Yagari's ears to bleed.

"I will bite your fingers off." he said, pulling her hand away from her crotch.

Moments later, Kaname and Yuki found themselves in a booth far away from Yagari. Noticing that Yuki was passively chewing on her menu, Kaname wondered if he and the headmaster should get her real therpay, instead of slipping random doses of LSD into her food. Her eyes were as big as truck tires, and as deep and mysterious as the drug den Yagari must have crawled out of before his awakening to christianity.

"So um," Kaname fidgeted, "what would you like to eat, Yuki?"

"SCARY VAMPIRES" Yuki shouted, the menu falling out of her mouth, a small string of drool attatched. Kaname began shuddering with desire, his boner so big it threatened to burst through his pants. He wished Yuki chewed on his dick the way she chewed on the Denny's menu. "Yeah uh, I want pancakes too." he said, a hand going to his crotch again.

As Kaname began violently masturbating under the table, he heard the front door get kicked in and the sweet, sweet sound of Linkin Park playing at full volume in the distance. He began to panic again. He couldn't let the squad see him jerking it to his vegetable of a sister. And yet he couldn't stop.

"Ayyyy boyo it's my bro Kanamuh" Kaname felt his heart sink. Not because he was about to get caught, but because nobody could ever say his name right. He turned around to see his piece of shit friends walking towards him. "What is crackin' my vampiric nigga?"

"Oh hey guys," Kaname said sheepishly. "uh, where's Senri?"

"Senri's fuckin dead" Hanabusa said, with some strain in his voice. Kaname noticed that he was on a leash. He knew this was bound to happen eventually.

"Hanabusa I thought you hated Denny's."

Hanabusa began visibly shaking. "I had to come here, Ichijo wanted a milkshake." His voice began cracking. "Do you remember what happened the last time Ichijo didn't get a milkshake?"

"Milkshakes were a blessing from lord jesus," Yagari cut in, "but now heathens like vampires and muslims have sullied them with the weight of their sins".

Feeling dreadfully uncomfortable, his hand still clutching his massive erection, Kaname knew he couldn't hold out much longer. He had to fap RIGHT FUCKING NOW. But since he was still under the delusion that nobody knew what a demented faggot he was, he couldn't just start fapping right there and then. He had to be sneaky. For purebloods, all fapping had to be done in secrecy.

"YUKI" he suddenly yelled, "I can't help but notice that you are about to wet yourself. Let me take you to the bathroom." Hiding his hard-on with the menu he was still holding, Kaname managed to lure Yuki, who was quite occupied with stuffing condiments in her mouth, to the living shithole that is the Denny's bathroom. Ushering her into a stall, he sighed, relieved to be away from his friends' prying eyes. Now he could fap in peace. Pulling his pants down, he spat on his hands and began stroking his massive cock. As he thought of yuki, big soulless eyes, dialated as fuck, her big gaping mouth screeching about SCARY VAMPIRES before she devoured his fat throbbing cock, he remembered something very important.

He knocked on the stall door. "Yuki?" No response.

He knocked again. "Yuki," Still nothing.

He opened the door without much concern. "Yuki, did you forget how to use the toilet again?" Suddenly, his eyes widened and he fell silent. Before him stood Yuki, a toilet, Yuki's dropped panties, and an obscene amount of blood dripping down her legs, pooling at her feet and into her undies. Kaname could feel his cock twitching.

"I'm scared" Yuki said, trembling.

After a deep breath, Kaname said, "don't worry Yuki, I'll be your toilet".

In the next moment he found himself laying on the floor of a Denny's bathroom with Yuki towering above, her menstruation sliding down her legs and into his mouth. Once yuki got tired of standing or forgot what she was doing, she sat down on Kaname's face and let him drown in the floodgates of her puberty. Kaname's dreams were coming true; his sister was not only bleeding, but riding his face at the same time. He tried to reach for his cock, but his arms wouldn't move. Yuki's boney vegetable ass was all he needed to get off.

As he felt himself about to climax, he heard the stall door creak open.

"Ayo kanamuh,"Ichijo greeted him, a milkshake in hand. "Y'all remember how to use the toilet, fam?" He managed to notice that Kaname was, in fact, not using the toilet correctly. Ichijo looked at Yuki. "Naaaahhhhh, foh, you always forgettin, yo brotha is ALWAYS forgettin how to take poops."

Yuki agreed, and provided him with the most intellectual response she could muster: "SCARY VAMPIRES".

As yuki's unbearably obnoxious voice echoed in the stall, Kaname could feel his body getting the tinglies. He arched his back and shot his goo all over Yuki's face. Her tiny ass was crushing his face as he tried to gasp for air. He could hear Ichijo laughing.

"Damn son, you naaaaaaaasty".

Kaname managed to lift yuki off of his face just in time to see Yagari rushing in, his face a pleasent shade of unmoved resentment. Yagari's expression spoke volumes; he was ALWAYS right about incest, and he would not tolerate it in his five star restaurant. He carefully extended a hand to move Yuki to the side, and pulled out the crowbar he kept behind this specific toilet.

"Don't worry, little lost lamb of god," he rasped, "I will shepherd you towards the path of being a good christian soldier." Bending Kaname over the toilet, Yagari began spanking him with the crowbar, all the while reciting bible verses and pinching his own nipple with his free hand. Yuki, completely disinterested in Kaname's suffering, reached up for some of Ichijo's milkshake.

"What? you want some milkshake, lil nigga?" he asked while feeding her a spoonful. She eagerly reached for the rest of it. "Damn Yuki, muh nigga, you woke as FUCK, Kanamuh NEVER wants to get milkshakes with me. Yo, you want some pancakes?" he asked her, luring her out of the bathroom with the rest of his milkshake.

By the end of the night, Yuki got pancakes and a milkshake, Yagari had converted another little lost sheep, Kaname had all of his sexual fantasies fulfilled, and the headmaster had finally finished shaving all his pubic hair.


End file.
